Last Night. She said…

OH MY GOD!  What an experience that was.  Tiny Frank at the House of Blues.  Tomorrow, the world.

There is truly no way to describe the overwhelming joy I felt last night sitting on that stage, sweating profusely, singing and playing songs I have written for an entire room filled with people who love and support me – including my mom and my son.  Only one word even comes close – awesomesauce.

But, what now?  All the build up is over and the moment is gone.  Yet another metaphorical comparison to the Buddhist mandala.  Beautiful for its time, then swept up and gone.  Left only to memory.

I wouldn’t say today is a let down – no way.  I just find that I feel tired.  Wiped out.  Unsure, truly, how to feel and what to do next.  Like the strange depression you feel after an awesome night on ecstasy. Or, so I hear.  I wouldn’t know about these things.

It is in these moments that I find life to be the most confusing.  It’s not that I don’t know how to be happy, or even that I don’t appreciate the wonderful things about my life. I do.  It’s just that I am unable to go through each day without the question –  “What in the hell am I supposed to do now?”

If I could, I would honestly spend the entire day today in bed.  Watching TV and feeling blah.  So much is running through my silly little brain.  Bothered by things I really shouldn’t be bothered by.  Asking myself things like, “Why do I still let her get to me?”

I played at the House of Blues last night.  Not only that, I played songs I friggin wrote.  So, why on Earth should I feel anything other than an overwhelming joy at a job well done?  Add to that, an overwhelming gratitude to the wonderful human beings I am fortunate enough to call friends who came out to support us.

Why?

Because that is who I am.

Advertisements

About "Mike"

"We only become what we are by the radical and deep-seated refusal of that which others have made of us." - Jean-Paul Sartre "Change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life." - Herbert Otto "Heed the still small voice that so seldom leads us wrong, and never into folly." - Marquise du Deffand "Your real influence is measured by your treatment of yourself." - A. Bronson Alcott "Energy and persistence conquer all things." - Benjamin Franklin "If we all did the things we are capable of, we would astound ourselves." - Thomas Edison "A man who finds no satisfaction in himself will seek for it in vain elsewhere." - La Rochefoucauld
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Last Night. She said…

  1. Lia says:

    Because you don’t feel like you deserve it. But you do!
    We are always our own worst critic. So remember that when you start to get down. Nobody else thinks as negatively about you as you yourself can. You’re awesome and this is just the first of many big shows well deserved.

    Take this moment and ride on its coattails. The sooner after the event, the easier it is to get bigger publicity and book other big gigs. Now is the time to publicize, publicize, publicize. Make this a launching pad; not an isolated incident! ❤

    Like

  2. Glen says:

    Hey brothah,

    I’m with ya 100% – the same thing happened to me after I walked the line in 2008 with a masters in military history. A freakin’ MASTERS, man. Took me 2 years and I don’t know how many hours of blood, sweat, and (yes, literally) tears. I practically worked my balls off, and made it. My dad and step-mom flew all the way across the world from Australia to be there for the event. I met a ton of new people, I learned a lot, and I should feel amazing for the accomplishment.

    But on the way home…THE FREAKIN WAY HOME…I could feel it. “Ok, NOW what are you gonna do, Sparky?” So I started looking for a new job – no dice. Not in Sandy Eggo, not in this economy. So I stay stuck at my somewhat crappy job working for that afterschool tutoring company that is really a giant sales pitch (but does actually help a lot of kids) and end up getting canned. Boo hoo.

    Rather than wallow in the pool of despair and depression that lies just outside my doorstep (I’ve taken more than one splash around in there and don’t expect to be filling in the pit right away), I’ve done what I almost always do – put one foot in front of the other and kept on pushing. Some days I don’t get as much accomplished as I would like, but I’m doing my best to stay positive and keep moving towards…something. For now, it’s teaching and tutoring. New class started this week and I’m excited to be getting back into school to (hopefully immediately) get work. And, if things don’t work out the way I plan, well, there’s always going back to the drawing board.

    The point is, despite the fact that I have been often dysfunctionally depressed and stuck in a rut, I keep on keeping on because, well, I just don’t see the point in doing otherwise. The only alternative is to stop being, and I’m not gonna go there. Sometimes my plodding along takes me off track and I have to readjust, but as long as I can keep going, at least I’m going somewhere, right?

    Keep your head up, brother. You’ll see quite a few smiling faces and outstretched hands to help you along. If you pursue your happiness, you’ll find it.

    Like

    • kafkamike71 says:

      Beautifully said. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. It was very courageous to write what you did.

      Impatience tends to get in the way of my communication. I wrote that blog post with so much more to say, but Iwas too impatient to actually take the time to write it all. I think if you read it, you can see that my mind is all over the place.

      That was, really, why i posted it as is. My mind IS all over the place, and that was the point. It’s not that I am down on my accomplishment or even myself. I just can’t help the places my mind goes. The over all feeling i have is joy and gratitude. However, lurking in the corner is sadness, anger, disappointment, etc. I very strongly believe that it is just as important to see and experience those feelings as it is to feel the good. If you don’t acknowledge them, then the can fester and rot – making you feel even worse. Embrace them as your own and then let them go. It is the only way to truly know yourself and to know and appreciate true happiness. I am no guru, but I believe this to be true.

      I am proud of you for your accomplishments, and for keeping the faith in your journey. You’re an amazing individual my friend.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s