I have, over the past few years, tried my hand at the tantra community. Taken classes and gone to events. Met some truly amazing and powerful people. But, for some reason, I just don’t fit in. I have made friends with many people, but nothing I would call close.
This kind of situation has a strange effect on me. I find myself spinning out with all the thoughts that fly through my head. All of the questions and judgments. The insecurity and isolation. Because so many of the people involved with this community are so open with their hearts and their love – and in a few cases, with their sexuality – it is difficult for me to truly be embraced by them as I am closed off and terrified. Even people who I do not consider attractive walk around with a confidence and a sense of self that I have never experienced. It is truly amazing to behold.
I guess it comes down to insecurity. But, after my last post, I don’t really want to talk about that again. Instead, I want to talk about wanting to be a bad-ass.
The very drunk gentleman was standing before me in a very aggressive and threatening manner. He and I had had a verbal back and forth for quite some time, and it had now come to this. He was very opinionated and loud, and well… I didn’t like him. So, I engaged him in “conversation”. Matching his every comment with something he couldn’t deny but would never acknowledge – or else he would have to say I had a good point or even worse, that he was wrong. This led to angry man in my face once he’d had enough of the as*hole who wouldn’t shut up. He got in my face, and even swerved his head from side to side trying to be menacing or something. I looked him right in the eye and said, “Three things; 1 – I’m Irish, 2 – I’m scrappy, and 3 – I am not at all afraid of you.” The fight never took place.
I use this story as metaphor. Life, let’s face it, can really suck sometimes. No matter how hard you try to smile through the pain it can sometimes wear you down. Beat you up, so to speak. Well, my advice to anyone who finds themselves in that place – don’t run from it. Don’t hide. Don’t deny it. Embrace the heartbreak, the fear, the hurting – all of it. Soak in it and learn from it. For if you do, it will wash away from you like clay and you will find yourself feeling refreshed and reborn. Fearless and ready to play.
My hope is that you are surrounded by people who love you. Who will stretch out a hand to you when you are hanging from the cliff, or stand below with arms outstretched ready to catch you if you fall. Even better, to stand beside you ready to wrap their arms around you and remind you that you are loved and cherished and appreciated.
Do not be afraid of the dark or you will never truly learn to appreciate the light.
Not my best, but that last one was hard to follow. Maybe now I can get back to writing about girls.
BEANS AND CORNBREAD!!!