Timeslide place to hide nudge reality

Well, well, well.  It has been a while since I have posted anything, and with good reason.  I have felt tapped and uninspired. Nothing new to report, and what feels like nothing but complaints rolling around in the space once occupied by my brain.  Who in the hell wants to read that?

That said, it has been an interesting time on this rotating orb in space we occupy.  How we maintain any sense of stability and the ever elusive “happiness” is beyond me.  With the skewed fragments I am able to see, it all seems so confusing and difficult.  I never know if what I perceive to be happening is what is actually happening.  If I am so deeply immersed in the fictions of my mind that I no longer have the ability to differentiate between perception and reality.  In other words; I am living in a Phillip K Dick novel every second of every day.  And, it’s getting exhausting.

If one image could sum up the way I feel, it’s this:

Word.

That said, why is it I cannot escape the feeling that all of this is for a reason?  My insane ability to feel such strong emotions, and experience such dark times.  Is it truly my role in our current society as the artist to expose myself to the ever flowing tide of emotions caused by the human experience?  Or, am I just a functioning nutcase?  Who’s to say? (Besides a psychiatric professional)  I am certain I am not alone in this experience.  The troubling thing is; do I really want to know who’s with me? (grin)

My answer to these thoughts and emotions is to change.  Reinvent myself, as it were.  Diet change.  Physical exercise.  Cut out drinking and drugs and coffee and sugar and sex.  The complete opposite from the man who made me want to write in the first place.

The unfortunate aspect of my personality is the foolish act of being impulsive.  I get an idea and without REALLY thinking it through, I act on it.  Case in point; my newly shaved head.  The most recent impulsive thought is to completely delete my Facebook account.  To just wipe that particular slate clean.  However, that impulse is a direct response to another familiar impulse of mine – the act of pulling away from everything.  To enter the bachelor bat-cave and go into hiding.  Close myself off from the world at large until the gestation period is over and I feel like being among the living once more.

I never, in a million years, imagined I would be this person I have become.  In fact, who in the hell is this guy?  Is he a good man with faults?  Is he a bad man hiding behind kindness?  Is he a good and loving father?  Or is he just a waste of space?  These questions are always changing and never-ending, and I sincerely hope I am alone in this as I would never wish this feeling on anyone.  It is a cold and terrifying place to exist, and it takes the will of Les Stroud simply to survive.

And then, there’s that.  The ability to survive in spite of it all.  To experience the doom and gloom and walk out into the light after the rubble has been cleared.  Everything that I have ever gone through has turned me into a genuinely empathetic and understanding individual who tries to use what I have been through to help others who may find themselves in the same boat.  I may not be a solid-as-a-rock muscle man with six pack abs and a chest that wont quit.  However, in the gladiatorial arena of compassion and understanding – I AM SPARTICUS!!!

I guess the only question I have to ask myself is, “is it worth it?”  Is over-thinking every moment and questioning your worth every second of every day really a productive way to spend your time?  Well, if I can turn that around and help someone else who may be headed towards the same path – then, yes it is.  If I can help just one person feel like they are not alone in what they are experiencing, and that there truly is someone who understands what they are feeling – then, yes it is.

I would have never made it this far if not for the patient and loving individuals I am fortunate enough to have around me.  To them, I wish to recognize their calm and support, and to say I consider myself blessed.

I am reminded of the beautiful ending to the The Wall by Pink Floyd.

All alone, or in two’s,
The ones who really love you
Walk up and down outside the wall.
Some hand in hand
And some gathered together in bands.
The bleeding hearts and artists
Make their stand.

And when they’ve given you their all
Some stagger and fall, after all it’s not easy
Banging your heart against some mad bugger’s wall.

Thanks for listening.

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About "Mike"

"We only become what we are by the radical and deep-seated refusal of that which others have made of us." - Jean-Paul Sartre "Change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life." - Herbert Otto "Heed the still small voice that so seldom leads us wrong, and never into folly." - Marquise du Deffand "Your real influence is measured by your treatment of yourself." - A. Bronson Alcott "Energy and persistence conquer all things." - Benjamin Franklin "If we all did the things we are capable of, we would astound ourselves." - Thomas Edison "A man who finds no satisfaction in himself will seek for it in vain elsewhere." - La Rochefoucauld
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3 Responses to Timeslide place to hide nudge reality

  1. lori says:

    The only thing that really makes sense is that there never is a place that you attain “happiness” and once found, are happy in.

    This great, terribly beautiful series of glorious pains, and sorrowful victories, is our life. Fleeting, forever, and nowhere. Like understanding during an acid trip. You never “get” there. And would you really want to? What then? What next?

    Get in your head, get out of your head. As long as you are examining SOMETHING, and paying mindful attention then you are rocking the path.

    Life is change, and it is not.

    I am glad to hold your hand as we skip into the unknown and know we are loved.

    Like

  2. My wife is a dork says:

    …is “dukkha.” Which gets translated into lots of things. “Suffering,” (like what Lori is doing ’cause I just punched her foot) “dissatisfaction,” “pain,” yadda yadda. The bottom line is that it isn’t all that fun to be here if we don’t realize that what we want and what we get are usually two very different things. We get sick, we die. We’re poor – and when we’re rich we can’t get enough to make us happy. Things don’t work out the way we want them to, or when they do we’re not happy with the result for long.

    Sid’s solution was to recognize this, and then he said he has a solution called the Eightfold Path. You know it – you’ve read it. The problem is, it takes work. Really. Hard. Work. We have to really understand – REALLY get it “balls to bones,” as an old lady in a movie once said – that what is going on isn’t “real.” Not to say that if you run into a wall you’ll go through it ’cause it’s just an illusion, but understanding that things aren’t going to be what we want, so we need to change what we want. And really, really look at the world as we see it, and love it. All of it. “Good” “Bad” (I’m the guy with the gun) or otherwise. Lice and warts, flowers and hummingbirds. Birth, death, and all the shine, shit (literally), light, dark, and everything else in between. Ultimately, the blessing of existence is an amazing gift, and it’d be a shame to blow it up

    The great part about all of it is that we can talk all we want, but it’s what we DO that makes a difference. If you want to be a “good” person, do “good” things. However, accept that the consequences of your “good” actions may be “bad.” You can sit at home and think dark thoughts until a little black raincloud manifests over your head and pisses hot acid on your FACE. If you do, accept that those are the consequences of your actions. Or, you can go out and help homeless people get food, help your kid get good grades in school and learn to be a functioning adult, and be nice to people. That’s going to have consequences, too.

    I’m rambling, I’m hungry, and dinner awaits. I think you know what I’m getting at. Change happens. Life happens. Actions beget results. You eat, you digest, you shit. And even though it may smell bad and leave a gnarly stain in the bowl, sometimes taking a big-ass dump feels pretty damn good. It’s as simple as that. Questioning yourself is the first step to “enlightenment,” whatever that is. It’s the second and third step that I’m a little hazy on, but I’m pretty sure that revenge anal isn’t either of them. Probably more like choosing different actions and accepting who (and possibly what) you are (or aren’t) is a little closer.

    Like

  3. jen says:

    When I get down on myself, usually through over thinking things, I have a friend who reminds me with a gentle, “put down the whip.” When I think I should not let myself off the hook so easily, she asks me, “why do you think you deserve to be ‘on a hook’ to begin with? Just let it go. You are human.” It’s only up to me to relax my thoughts around whether or not I am a “good or bad” person. I feel a helluva lot better when I take her advice.

    Like

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