It’s difficult to see the many ways you are hurting yourself and those around you on your way to the bottom. The more you lose and the more it hurts, the more isolated and selfish you become. You start to believe that you are all alone and it is only going to get worse. You build the metaphorical armor and lock yourself away from anything that might do you harm. In the heat of the moment it feels right.
The other side of this proverbial coin are the people in your life and how it affects them. The difficulty of watching someone you care for self-destruct. What do you say? What do you do? Do you hug them and let them cry, or do you yell at them and remind them what they are missing?
When your life has been nothing but a roller coaster experience, you tend to get comfortable with the lack of serenity. The dark becomes so familiar, you wear it like a warm blanket – because it is what you know. Then, when those sporadic moments of “happiness” pop-up, you spend all of your time just waiting for the next drop in the roller coaster.
I wish there were some way to accurately communicate the shift/change/realization that has come my way. Some way to sum up the experience, and convince you of its authenticity. Prove to you that I truly mean what I say. Because, let’s face it… On your way to the bottom, you can lose people’s trust along with their love.
I can’t believe I am about to reference Megaforce (twice now), but the thing I actually remember the most about that movie was the poster. The tag line at the top was “Deeds. Not Words.” Well, that is what I have come to believe. Anyone can talk a good game, but can they walk the walk.
I have nothing to prove to anyone but myself at this point in my life. All of the wonderful things I hope to manifest for myself can only happen or fail because of me. And I intend to write a happy ending to this tale.
“…the love you take is equal to the love you make.”