I’m evil and a heathen…

It was in talking to my friend David Kelso last night (thank you for listening, man) that I realized the topic of today’s post. It is something I have realized, then realized, and then realized again and again.  I think too much.

Here is a typical journey through my thought process.  Now, I do this as a way to illustrate a point – so please, don’t judge. (grin) Let’s use the blog as an example. I will write an entry, and every word I write will be 100% from the heart.  No other intention than exactly what I put into words.  Then, once I hit the “publish” button, I THINK about it.  In thinking about it, I start to see what I wrote from other people’s perspective.  Through that perspective, I realize other ways what I have written could be taken.  I then settle on one that makes me seem to be an a-hole in some way, and reduces the pure honesty I felt writing it to somehow seem manipulative and false.  I cling to this perspective, and begin to immediately think of ways I can counter-act the (imaginary) thoughts I have imagined in someone elses head.  Thus finding myself beating myself up for saying something someone took the wrong way, when I didn’t mean it that way at all.  The punchline? None of it is real.  I have just delineated the strength of my honesty by fictionalized events that may or may not have even taken place. If it were a science, that would be the equation.

Wow.  Does that even make sense?

As I spoke with my friend about this, I realized the truth of it all.  I spend entirely too much time trying to cultivate deep meaningful relationships with everyone I meet.  Then, if they seem to reject me I immediately go to, “What did I do wrong?”  This is not only arrogant, it’s foolish.  If I am true to my word, and I was being myself at all times – then I did nothing wrong.  This person just didn’t enjoy my company, and there could be any number of reasons why – none of them having to do with me.

Now, I know this to be true.  I really do.  I have for many many years.  However, knowing something and actually putting that knowledge into practice are two different things entirely.

There are dear friends who I haven’t spoken to in months.  There could be any number of reasons why this is so, but I immediately go to, “They’re mad at me for something.”Anyone following this blog has had a glimpse into what life has been like for me these past few months.  Well, imagine being friends with that, and having to deal with it for years.  It cannot be easy.  So, my go to thought is, “They’re tired of your sh*t, man.” Despite all my best efforts at change and turnaround, there is still the wake left behind that must be acknowledged. I haven’t always been my best.  I have failed people, time and time again.  I am truly sorry for this.

What is the benefit of this thought process?  Can anyone tell me?  Because, so far it aint working out for me. As the wise man says, “Sh*t happens.” Sometimes, and I know this all too well, you just don’t feel like talking to someone.  May not be personal at all.  You’re just not feeling it. I make it personal, and get spun out over fictions I create in my head.  See?  I think too much.

In my journey to embrace honesty and live my life accordingly, I have reached a point I didn’t expect to get to so quickly.  I am faced with the terrifying task of – dare I say it? – just being myself. In fact, I find that these days I am far too comfortable with that.  It’s become to easy to just say what’s on my mind. Most of the time, people respond in kind and I end up having an amazing conversation that only serves to deepen the friendship.  There are, however, the occasional moments where my honesty alienates me and makes me the bad guy. Funnily enough; this is starting to bother me less and less.

I can feel it just around the corner.  The day when I will no longer judge myself through the eyes of others, but on my merit based on the choices I make.  Mine.  All mine.  People will misunderstand, and that is okay.  All that matters is that I know the truth behind my words, thoughts and actions.

I write this in the hopes that someone this happens to may read it and realize they are not alone.  We are human, and we do stupid things.  It’s how we learn.  However, that does not make us horrible or unworthy.  It simply makes us human – and that is beautiful.

I am starting to over think this post, and have lost my train of thought.  So, I’ll stop there.


About "Mike"

"We only become what we are by the radical and deep-seated refusal of that which others have made of us." - Jean-Paul Sartre "Change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life." - Herbert Otto "Heed the still small voice that so seldom leads us wrong, and never into folly." - Marquise du Deffand "Your real influence is measured by your treatment of yourself." - A. Bronson Alcott "Energy and persistence conquer all things." - Benjamin Franklin "If we all did the things we are capable of, we would astound ourselves." - Thomas Edison "A man who finds no satisfaction in himself will seek for it in vain elsewhere." - La Rochefoucauld
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2 Responses to I’m evil and a heathen…

  1. You’re a good writer, and conscious of your invisible audience. You’re a human, and hope to be received with loving kindness. The great news is that almost everything we believe other people think about us is wrong. That is so good for me to remember, because I get caught up in terrible knots sometimes just worrying about how and why I am disappointing.

    If our friendship is any reflection on your other relationships, then I just wanted to remind you that you establish loving connections with introverted, withdrawn, anxious artists who tend to get caught up internally more often than we show evidence of being especially skilled at reaching out. I’ve never been sick of your shit, and I would still love to try a yoga or meditation practice or just hang out with you any time. You are so loved.


    • kafkamike71 says:

      You’re amazing. Thank you for that important reminder. You’re absolutely right, and I never stopped to think of that way.

      I have been thinking about hanging out with you as well. I would still very much like to experience the ritual you had mentioned to me. I just went and got myself committed to another play, which will be opening in January – so my weeknights will be open again.

      I promise, this time, I will follow through instead of flaking out on you.

      I love you very much, and I appreciate you taking the time to send me this gentle reminder. I hope you are having a wonderful December.


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