Today’s topic: obsession
I am constantly amazed at the way my mind works. The torturous thoughts I subject myself to, day after day. Why is it I am (Oh so) willing to allow myself to venture down roads that lead me nowhere positive? Of late, I have found this new… power?… to stop myself before I go too crazy with the obsessive thoughts. Then, something will happen that just rocks the friggin boat so hard it is damn near impossible to think about anything else.
As I write this it occurs to me it must be a similar process to working out. Any sort of exercise takes commitment, and does not produce results over night. I have been so excited about the shift in my over-all attitude, that I am being a bit of an unsympathetic drill sergeant with myself. “No retreat! No surrender! Get over that hill, McCullock! Go! Go! GO!”
This Christmas is a strange one. Lot’s of crazy, conflicting emotions. Joy, loss, frustration and hope – with a little dash of just about anything else you can think of… including anger. I am so very grateful for so much. Yet at the same time, there are things I miss. I wish I was closer to my family at large, and had a lovely Christmas eve/day to look forward to. Sharing dinner and exchanging gifts. Smiling, laughing traditions. Alas, alas, alas. I wish I had someone to kiss beneath the mistletoe and say “I love you” to. I wish I had all the money in the world, so that I could buy everyone I love exactly what they want this year. And, I wish my dad was here.
Please, do not misunderstand. I am not wallowing in self-pity and longing. If I could write a letter to Santa, these are just some of the things I would ask him for this Christmas. I do have so many things to be joyful about, and I go to those things in my mind when I feel myself veering down the thought patterns I described earlier.
So, in an attempt to (once again) be true to the things I am saying – I am going to make a list of things I want for next Christmas that I truly believe I CAN make happen.
- I will be working in a field that I not only love, but will help to make the world a better place
- I will send out a cheesy Christmas card featuring Jakob and I to everyone I care about.
- I will make a play list of Christmas carols on my iPod, and sing Christmas carols every day in the car.
- I will make at least three homemade Christmas decorations for my house.
- I will change my tune.
- HD Flat-screen TV. (Word)
Perhaps I am a fool, but I truly believe that this is the beginning.
And, I have beginners luck.