Yeah, it’s holding me… Morphing me… And forcing me to strive

Today’s topic: obsession

I am constantly amazed at the way my mind works.  The torturous thoughts I subject myself to, day after day.  Why is it I am (Oh so) willing to allow myself to venture down roads that lead me nowhere positive? Of late, I have found this new… power?… to stop myself before I go too crazy with the obsessive thoughts.  Then, something will happen that just rocks the friggin boat so hard it is damn near impossible to think about anything else.

As I write this it occurs to me it must be a similar process to working out.  Any sort of exercise takes commitment, and does not produce results over night.  I have been so excited about the shift in my over-all attitude, that I am being a bit of an unsympathetic drill sergeant with myself. “No retreat! No surrender!  Get over that hill, McCullock!  Go! Go! GO!”

This Christmas is a strange one.  Lot’s of crazy, conflicting emotions.  Joy, loss, frustration and hope – with a little dash of just about anything else you can think of… including anger.  I am so very grateful for so much. Yet at the same time, there are things I miss.  I wish I was closer to my family at large, and had a lovely Christmas eve/day to look forward to.  Sharing dinner and exchanging gifts.  Smiling, laughing traditions. Alas, alas, alas.  I wish I had someone to kiss beneath the mistletoe and say “I love you” to.  I wish I had all the money in the world, so that I could buy everyone I love exactly what they want this year. And, I wish my dad was here.

Please, do not misunderstand.  I am not wallowing in self-pity and longing.  If I could write a letter to Santa, these are just some of the things I would ask him for this Christmas.  I do have so many things to be joyful about, and I go to those things in my mind when I feel myself veering down the thought patterns I described earlier.

So, in an attempt to (once again) be true to the things I am saying – I am going to make a list of things I want for next Christmas that I truly believe I CAN make happen.

  1. I will be working in a field that I not only love, but will help to make the world a better place
  2. I will send out a cheesy Christmas card featuring Jakob and I to everyone I care about.
  3. I will make a play list of Christmas carols on my iPod, and sing Christmas carols every day in the car.
  4. I will make at least three homemade Christmas decorations for my house.
  5. I will change my tune.
  6. HD Flat-screen TV. (Word)

Perhaps I am a fool, but I truly believe that this is the beginning.

And, I have beginners luck.



About "Mike"

"We only become what we are by the radical and deep-seated refusal of that which others have made of us." - Jean-Paul Sartre "Change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life." - Herbert Otto "Heed the still small voice that so seldom leads us wrong, and never into folly." - Marquise du Deffand "Your real influence is measured by your treatment of yourself." - A. Bronson Alcott "Energy and persistence conquer all things." - Benjamin Franklin "If we all did the things we are capable of, we would astound ourselves." - Thomas Edison "A man who finds no satisfaction in himself will seek for it in vain elsewhere." - La Rochefoucauld
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Yeah, it’s holding me… Morphing me… And forcing me to strive

  1. lori says:

    I have a “home made xmas decor” assembly line at my house!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s