So, this is going to sound crazy (I know what you’re thinking, “As opposed to your other posts?”), but I really was visit by spirits this Christmas. And, each spirit showed me things about my past, present and future that made me see things in a whole new light. Changed my perspective of certain events so that I may emotionally experience them in a completely different way. I am not trying to use the Dicken’s classic as a means of making a point. I am dead serious. This sh*t went down, and I am forever changed by it.
I saw myself as a boy, growing up in the house I now live in. I looked at myself, young and filled with imagination and hope. I realized the deepest longing I had as a child was to feel not only loved, but acknowledged and accepted by my father. Before I go on, my dad was a good man who did the best he could. I had an amazing life, he absolutely adored my son (they were best friends) and he showed me what it meant to conduct yourself with honor. That said, I am finally able to see the romanticized version my father and stop judging myself as a dad by his standard. I may fall short in certain areas as a father, but above all my son knows – KNOWS – he is loved. We hang out, enjoy many of the same things, have a very similar sense of humor and belong to the mutual admiration society. These are things that were all absent from my youth. This showed me that we are all human, and can only do the best we can. There is no reason to fear or stagnate on past decisions. There is only the next choice, and the choice after that. I will admit, as I stood there looking down at the very young me sitting on the floor in front of the TV, I wanted to wrap my arms around him and cry.
I experienced the never-ending stream of visuals in my brain of the… Well, I don’t wish to share all the details of this one. The lesson though,… All of the hurt and anger and resentment and loneliness and jealousy and pain I was feeling over a particular event, suddenly became clear to me. Everything I was feeling was everything I had put this person through. Someone I supposedly loved. At last, I had a complete understanding of my actions and how they effected the one person, other than my son, I was supposed to care for the most. This turnaround in my vision; the ability to see my actions and experience the painful emotions tied to them – was exactly what I needed to find the truth. It was as if a giant lead vest had been removed from my body, and I was able to breathe again.
It isn’t written, and can be filled with anything.
For the first time, in a very long time, I feel hope again. Hope that I will fall in love. Hope that I will find a job that I love. Hope that I will have a long and wonderful relationship with my amazing son. Hope that I will one day have a home on a small section of land – perhaps in a magical emerald land. Hope that I will be able to turn the pain I have put myself through into something that allows me to be much more open hearted and compassionate with people – despite what I may or may not receive in return.
I mean it when I say it, despite the new age/touchy-feely/self-help way I may say it, but I want to spend the rest of my life helping people. I want to do everything I can to help this world be a wonderful place. I have control over the exact space I occupy, so anyone within reach is susceptible. I can’t have a positive effect on everyone, I know.
But, I can try.