I want everything to be so clean… so clean

If you have followed these posts at all it is quite possible you may think they are being written by a few different people. I don’t really think you think that, it’s just how I chose to start this particular post. In looking back over the past few posts (let’s just pick 10 – the last 10 posts) I have gone all over the friggin map. This is a difficult and important time for me. “The time for Faramir of Gondor to show his mettle.” (hee hee – geek)

I am very much someone who likes to deal with things.  If there is an issue between us, let’s talk.  Sometimes, I may need a moment or two to collect before I can communicate effectively. Especially if I am feeling emotionally overwhelmed – that can lead to bad communication. But, ultimately, I open up in the end and try my best to find peace. Well, currently, I am stuck in a mire that I cannot seem to get out of.  And the one person who can help me, will not.  All I want is a simple conversation, just to create some harmony and civility.  All they want to just get on with their life. It’s a tricky situation that leaves me totally screwed. Although I NEED to talk about this in order to let it go and heal, I completely understand why they need it to just… go… away.

As I write this, I feel a strange sense of calm.  The most rationale I have felt in while.  That’s the reason I started my post the way I did.  Yesterday, I was all about love.  Last night, I was angry beyond words.  Today, I am comfortably numb. The best thing for me, right now, would be if I were in a small cabin in Idyllwild.  Fridge stocked with food and beer.  Five different types of Absinthe.  An old typewriter.  Lulu – my guitar. My phone left behind, and three days with nothing to do. Or, sitting on a beautiful beach on some private island.  That’d be good too. I realize I didn’t mention Jakob in any of these scenarios.  That’s because I feel bad for him.  Poor little boy has to deal with me as his dad. I just hope he knows, really KNOWS, just how much I love him.

Ultimately, I’m just trying my best.  This experience, what I am currently going through, is new to me.  That’s rare.  I find I am often at a loss as to what way to go, or how to deal.  I am used to being able to find SOME sense to things.  This never makes sense, and strikes without warning.  I can only hope that who I am at the end of it all will be amazing.

I will say this; despite all the crazy roller-coaster emotions and experiences, I have found a single place of solidity.  Honesty.  I have finally, after years of struggle, become an honest man.  I used to be so afraid of what people would think.  Well, I still am – but, not enough to stifle who I am. It’s nice.  And, it’s fun. It has also shown me who my friends really are.  (Thank you, friends – for loving me)

I’m doing the best I can – I promise.


About "Mike"

"We only become what we are by the radical and deep-seated refusal of that which others have made of us." - Jean-Paul Sartre "Change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life." - Herbert Otto "Heed the still small voice that so seldom leads us wrong, and never into folly." - Marquise du Deffand "Your real influence is measured by your treatment of yourself." - A. Bronson Alcott "Energy and persistence conquer all things." - Benjamin Franklin "If we all did the things we are capable of, we would astound ourselves." - Thomas Edison "A man who finds no satisfaction in himself will seek for it in vain elsewhere." - La Rochefoucauld
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One Response to I want everything to be so clean… so clean

  1. sheldon says:

    get out of my head homie!!!! gimme a shout if you head out for a cocktail this weekend. need to be out of the house more than normal of late.


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