If you have followed these posts at all it is quite possible you may think they are being written by a few different people. I don’t really think you think that, it’s just how I chose to start this particular post. In looking back over the past few posts (let’s just pick 10 – the last 10 posts) I have gone all over the friggin map. This is a difficult and important time for me. “The time for Faramir of Gondor to show his mettle.” (hee hee – geek)
I am very much someone who likes to deal with things. If there is an issue between us, let’s talk. Sometimes, I may need a moment or two to collect before I can communicate effectively. Especially if I am feeling emotionally overwhelmed – that can lead to bad communication. But, ultimately, I open up in the end and try my best to find peace. Well, currently, I am stuck in a mire that I cannot seem to get out of. And the one person who can help me, will not. All I want is a simple conversation, just to create some harmony and civility. All they want to just get on with their life. It’s a tricky situation that leaves me totally screwed. Although I NEED to talk about this in order to let it go and heal, I completely understand why they need it to just… go… away.
As I write this, I feel a strange sense of calm. The most rationale I have felt in while. That’s the reason I started my post the way I did. Yesterday, I was all about love. Last night, I was angry beyond words. Today, I am comfortably numb. The best thing for me, right now, would be if I were in a small cabin in Idyllwild. Fridge stocked with food and beer. Five different types of Absinthe. An old typewriter. Lulu – my guitar. My phone left behind, and three days with nothing to do. Or, sitting on a beautiful beach on some private island. That’d be good too. I realize I didn’t mention Jakob in any of these scenarios. That’s because I feel bad for him. Poor little boy has to deal with me as his dad. I just hope he knows, really KNOWS, just how much I love him.
Ultimately, I’m just trying my best. This experience, what I am currently going through, is new to me. That’s rare. I find I am often at a loss as to what way to go, or how to deal. I am used to being able to find SOME sense to things. This never makes sense, and strikes without warning. I can only hope that who I am at the end of it all will be amazing.
I will say this; despite all the crazy roller-coaster emotions and experiences, I have found a single place of solidity. Honesty. I have finally, after years of struggle, become an honest man. I used to be so afraid of what people would think. Well, I still am – but, not enough to stifle who I am. It’s nice. And, it’s fun. It has also shown me who my friends really are. (Thank you, friends – for loving me)
I’m doing the best I can – I promise.