I am sure you have heard people, or even you yourself do, refer to life as a “path”. I am certain each person envisions their “path” differently. Some people see a vast desert that stretches for miles in every direction. Some, a lovely forest “path” with the metaphorical tree occasionally blocking the way. I was the latter, imagining my “path” looked like one of the trails out by Cuyamaca. Regardless of how we see the “path”, it is always moving out ahead of us – leading us “somewhere”. Well, my “path” has changed it’s topography on me. No longer do I see the lovely forest all around me, leading me forward – always forward. No. Now, there is no clear direction. I am surrounded by branches and leaves so thick I cannot tell if it’s day or night, and I have no idea which direction I am even going or where I have been, and I am without a machete or guide. There is no road, no “path”. There is only my searing wish to end up SOMEWHERE. ANYWHERE.
It always seemed so clear to me. Artist, writer, musician,… and on and on. It just made sense that, by now, I would be SOME kind of successful artistic type. Living the dream and making the world a better place. Not so much. I am good at SO many things, but none of them make me any money. So, what do I do? These elements of me are, at this point, as important to me as oxygen. Yet, I am a single father who is injured and ill with no hope or promise. Do I abandon all the things that make up who I believe I am out of responsibility? If so, then what? What the hell am i supposed to do now? I have lost the (quite possibly) love of my life due to my own actions, and some of my oldest and dearest friends are angry with me because of a complete communication breakdown. I’ll tell you what I DON’T need to do. I don’t need to watch Leaving Las Vegas any time soon, that’s for certain.
I wish this were one of those movies where I could walk up a mountain trail, reach the top, see a bird flying against the sunset and figure it all out. Wouldn’t that be swell? Alas, things don’t work that way – ever. It takes work, determination, drive, want, energy, willingness and heart. None of which I seem to posses at the moment. I see each tick of the clock and I do nothing to seize them. I do not exercise. I do not eat well. I do not read like I used to, or even play guitar when I should. I… do… nothing.
Why in the hell am I telling you this?
I guess, the truth (which I tout over and over as something so very important to me) is that I am lost. I am a man adrift. I can no longer tell if my actions are good or bad. I can no longer tell what I am feeling when I am feeling it. The only moments that feel in any way human to me are the moments I have with Jakob and when I am listening to music. Other than that, I am in constant question mode. “Wondering, always wondering. Am I enough? Am I too much?”
Perhaps Holmes had it right to cut emotions from the human equation. Perhaps all those wacky philosophers and Avatars had it right when they spoke of attachment and it’s effect on enlightenment. Perhaps The Spongebob Squarepants Movie is the greatest comedy of all time. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.
There is not a single molecule in my body that believes I have it any worse than any one else on this planet. I can’t possibly. Along with that, it isn’t a contest. All I have, all any of us have, is our own unique experience with life. Our “path”. I want to believe, more than anything, that I am heading someplace beautiful. I want that more than I could ever explain in words. (Maybe interpretive dance?) But, right now, all seems dark and sad.
Perhaps this is as simple as mid-life crisis. Perhaps is it my brain deteriorating at an accelerated rate. Who knows? Who cares? What matters is… F*ck, I don’t know.
And knowing is half the battle.