It feels like forever since I have sat here writing. It’s not true, as I have written a couple of posts that I am not ready to publish yet. “Writing is re-writing.” But, this one, for some reason, feels right. Funny thing is, I have no idea what the hell I am going to write about. I have a title, and that’s it. So, dear friends, I guess we’re in this together.
The other night I was talking to my friend Kelso about a certain bit of something that I have rolling around in the old noggin. Nothing major, or serious, just up there. If I am honest, it’s actually kind of fun. As we walked down 5th Avenue in deep conversation, I felt compelled to let him know, “I know I seem like I am teetering on the edge often, but I promise you… I’m not. I’m okay.” In that instant it dawned on me who I am.
I have always been so self-critical. Judging every little thing by the way others may see or interpret it. Once I started this blog, and began writing so openly and honestly, I worried about that even more so. When I said what I said to Kelso, all the worry and fear dissipated and the truth of it all became clear. I have grown into a man who finds joy in the immersion of what it is to be human. The good, and the bad – neither one scares me. I feel so intensely, that at times it seems as if I cannot handle what has been sent my way. It feels as if I NEED help. Not so. The reality is, by going through what I go through – I gain an understanding. With understanding, humanity becomes even more beautiful.
I must add to this; I am fortunate to know many amazing people who have, time and time again, been there to help me back out of whatever place I allowed myself to get lost in.
I have, as all people do, formed attachments throughout my life. Losing those things I have formed attachments to makes me sad. However, it is quite simply the way it is. The friend who used to be dear to me, is now a wonderful memory of a different time. The girl who once seemed intriguing and desirable, is human after all. (I assure you, if you think you know who I am referring to in these statements – you’re wrong) I realized, during that same conversation with Kelso, just how much I romanticized things. Especially the things I REALLY want. I create wonderful fictions around this event or person, and then I try my best to MAKE those wonderful fictions become true. I don’t think this is a bad thing. I do think my attachment to the fictions is a bad thing. They are, after all, fictions. But, I get so down when they don’t work out, and I end up referring to myself as “broken” or “down”. All because of my illusion.
As an imaginative person, who also happens to be a writer, I cannot help but create certain scenarios in my mind. I really can’t help it. I have imagined more conversations than there are stars in the sky. I’d be willing to bet on it. Full on conversations too, where I am literally speaking out loud with a person, saying all the things I wish I could say – and, supplying their response. Showing a cleverness and a bravery reserved for the coolest of the movie cool. The chances of these conversations actually taking place is about as likely as my shaking hands with every person on the planet. Not gonna happen. However, in certain situations, it might.
I lost track of my original point, sorry. What I am getting at, ultimately, is this… What you read here doesn’t define me. What you may have heard about me doesn’t define me. What you think of me doesn’t define me. My choices are what define me. It is always awesome when it works out that people become friends. But, the reality is, that doesn’t always happen. And, with some people, as much as I hope to know them – it may never happen. And that is okay. Gone are the days of being something I think everyone can love. Time to finally just be someone a sh*tload of people DO love.
It’s still January, so I can still claim this year in the name of being exactly who the f*ck I am. And who I am is a pretty stellar human being. Warm, loving, understanding, generous, kind, thoughtful, and worst of all – honest. There’s a list of faults that go with this, but…
I can live with that.