I almost quit. Almost wrote, “It’s been fun. Thanks.” – and then signed off for good.
But, I couldn’t. I couldn’t just throw everything away because things have gotten dicey. Couldn’t just give up because it’s difficult, or give in because I’m weakened. I have worked way too hard to just let it all crumble beneath the judgments of others. I am the only one who knows, truly knows, what is in my heart. I am the only one who knows my reasons. All I can do is be constant, and hope for the best.
As I flip flopped back and forth emotionally yesterday wondering what to do, I had to finally acknowledge the one feeling that remained constant through it all. “It’s going to be okay.” Whether I was brokenhearted or feeling upset, I just kept thinking, “It’s all going to be okay.” If you were to go back through the multiple entries I have written, you will see I have been up and down many, many times. Yet here I am… doing fine. Yes, there are things about this current situation I wish I could change, but moreover – I just don’t want to be involved. It’s pointless and sad, and I have more important things to deal with in my life. Like creating a living space that propagates momentum, beginning my training courses, and helping my son with his homework. I could spend time trying to share my side of things. Or, I could accept the fact that things are the way they are and this monumental change has done nothing to upset the balance of what is truly important in my life – the safety and well being of my son, and the constant show of gratitude to my mother for helping me to raise him.
Yet another reference to Megaforce, but once again appropriate – “Deeds, not words.” I don’t have to convince anyone of anything. People always decide for themselves, even if they don’t know it. All I can do, as I said earlier, is remain constant in my journey, and never waver from the truth. That, in itself, will be proof – to myself, if no one else.
One of the hardest things about this current situation was best summed up in the words of my friend Kelso. The same people who have, on more than one occasion, praised me for my honesty – are now villainizing me for it. All because a part of it had to do with them. It makes it confusing, for sure. But, my course is true. I have had more positive experiences due to embracing honesty than I have negative ones. Plus, I know in the end that I can stand anywhere and in front of anyone with my head held high. So, why stop now?
I always loved the line, but now… I get it. ‘Sometimes you eat the bear, and sometimes the bear eats you.”
Until next time.