One of the most amazing things about living, in my opinion, is the way little beautiful happenings occur when (and from a source) you least expect them. This has been my experience over the past few days. People I haven’t spoken to in a while suddenly popping up to remind me I am loved. New friends, who do not know me very well, saying exactly what I needed to hear without even knowing I needed to hear it. Friends reading something in my tone that made them reach out to make sure I am okay. Support in the midst of abandonment. Love in the midst of hate. Warmth while walking in the cold. Acknowledgment while being ignored. And all without asking. All given freely, and without the need of repayment.
We do, in fact, reap what we sow. And, for so long now, I have been focused on the negative. Embracing the bad times like a safety blanket, as if it was all I was truly entitled to. For too long now have I denied myself the ability to walk out my door worthy of love. Worthy of friendship and support. I have made so many mistakes. Things I am truly ashamed of that fill me with regret. However, I must set these burdens down so that I can continue to walk forward unhindered by my past.
It amazes me how easy it is for me to forgive someone for any wrongs done to me. A good (honest) conversation between us is all it takes, and away we go. Yet, for some reason, I have been unable to offer this same service to myself. I have worn the scabs and scars of my past like an armor, keeping the beauty and joy from getting in. It is time, beyond time, for me to heal.
I woke up this morning feeling so tired I felt hollow. Like I had nothing inside of my body, and could have slept for at least three days. I have been sad, and confused so often lately that I began to distrust my own feelings. When you do what you think is the right thing, and it all falls apart in a mass of anger and accusations, it’s hard to persevere. I cannot fall victim to this any longer. It is more important that I stay true to what I believe, than it is to curb that to please the world. Doing so has never brought me joy. And, if it’s going to be ugly anyway – why not have it be ugly by being honest instead of being false?
I know I am not an easy person to get to know or to like. But, know this,… If I love you, I love you. All I ever ask, from anyone, is to let me simply be myself. To be comfortable in my skin. Don’t place meaning on my words beyond what I am actually saying. Do not read into my behavior beyond what I am. Don’t pose me with puzzles and games. Don’t say something in the hopes that I will figure out what you REALLY mean. Talk plainly, and to the point. Tell me the truth. I may not always want to hear it, but I always want to hear it. This simple thing will lead us to a place of deepest friendship and love, for the rest of our days.
I feel grateful for change, I really do. I am just sad at the way it comes about sometimes. Especially when there is anger and hurt involved. But, this feels good despite the mess. I feel like I am walking through the doorway to something truly beautiful. I have new skin, and my heart is full. Tomorrow brings promise at a constant rate, and I am open to accepting it.
Thank you for reading my blog, and for sharing with me the way my words make you feel. Knowing you’re out there has made all the difference. I hope to never let you down.