It has been a very, very, very long time. Haven’t looked to see the date of my last post. I do know it was noncommittal and, well, a long time ago. But, now I’m back… from outer space.
This past year has been pretty damn amazing. So much has happened. Not all of it good. Some of it remarkable. I lost friends. I made friends. I wrote music and stories. I played a really bad guy in an incredible play. I read books about wondrous places. Had two people I knew commit suicide, while others had beautiful children who they love with all they are. I watched my son grow and grow, and fell even more in love with him than I ever imagined possible. I fought personal demons, and learned forgiveness – kinda. I fell in love, over and over – usually with the same girl. Above all, I reinvented myself into a man I not only respect – but, one I like too.
I decided this past year to begin a solo music project. Writing songs for myself in a style I am not used to. Nothing bad or negative happened between Stretch and I – he’s still my boy. I did it for me, because I could. I have kept all of it, except one small snippet, private. When I feel I have enough I will begin to break out the new tunes, and under my new “reinvented” self – San Miguel.
The funny thing about San Miguel is, it started as a cynical joke. I had so many people on the “hate Mike” train, I thought “Let’s call the devil a saint.” Extreme terms, I know – “devil” and “saint” – but it’s how I felt, so for me it was very real. As time went on, however, I found that this “new identity” allowed me to move forward. To grow. I felt so incredibly bogged down and labeled as Mike, that no matter what I attempted to do to change I was mired in who I used to be instead of who I was. Then, one night, I met a pretty girl who changed everything. She encouraged me to forgive myself. Told me I was good, and kind. Heard me tell the truth about my misdeeds and mistakes, and still liked me after. In fact, she liked me more because I had owned it “like a man” and was making an honest effort to learn from it and change it. After one conversation, I was a different man. Lighter. Free. She convinced me to start a new Facebook account so we could stay in touch, as she lived out of town. ( I told her I had deleted my old one and had NO intention at all of restarting it) So, I did. When it came time for a name, I chose San Miguel. And, we’re full circle.
It’s almost the end of the year. Tomorrow I turn forty years old. My Life is still a struggle, I’ll not lie. I was naïve, and allowed myself to be fooled into thinking people were helping me when, in actuality, they were not. Because of it, I am broke with no job and no prospects. My mother is going in for a few surgeries that are worrisome. My own disease had gone unchecked for almost two years due to no insurance. I have no cell phone, go nowhere to save gas, and am forced to choose an entirely new career path as my old one is over – due to an injury which hurts me every day. A year ago, I would be an absolute wreck in the depths of self-hatred and destruction. Lashing out at myself through poison soaked words. Instead, I am solid. My heart is warm and my spirits high. I accepted my situation, and have done everything I can to get out of it. Next month, I begin classes and will finally earn my degrees. I have applied for many opportunities. I spend as much time as possible with my amazing son. I do my best to honor my mother and enjoy my time with her while I have it. I repeat in my head, every time I think of it, “gratitude, gratitude, gratitude…”
I guess, like in any situation, you lose people along the way. Sometimes, you find each other again. Sometime you don’t. Regardless, you must keep living.
The trick, for me, was realizing that as long as I kept looking back at the decisions I had made and wishing I had done things differently I was missing what was actually happening all around me. I finally, after all these years of knowing it was there, realized the here and now. You can’t judge it or control it. You just gotta live it.
Much love to you. I’m looking forward to where this is going. For all of us, because…
This time, next year, the world is supposed to end. So, make it count.