“Your own words are the bricks and mortar of the dreams you want to realize. Your words are the greatest power you have. The words you choose and their use establish the life you experience”
– Sonia Croquette
I’m exhausted today. Went to sleep at some time after 1:30 AM, and woke up at some point around 3:45 AM. My mind was immediately filled with pointless thoughts that kept me awake until the sun came up. So, yeah,… I’m tired.
However, I have had a great day so far. “Good things come…”, and all that. Went to breakfast with my dear friend Stretch, then helped him set up all his cool new Christmas toys. Came home and spent time with my amazing son. Thought a lot about the good things that have come my way in the past few days. Wrote some poems, listened to some music, and now I am here. See? Not bad.
I do, however, need to let you in on a secret. A profound weight is resting firmly upon my mind, and it was that – I believe – that had me up all night. I’m afraid for my mom, and it has me stressed out.
The other night I went into the house from the garage to say something to my mom, and I found her sitting in her chair, eyes closed with her head down. I called out to her, but no response. I called again and again, nothing. With each time I felt my heart sink, while also saying to myself, “She’s just sleeping.” I got right up close and touched her leg, ‘Mom?” She slowly raised her head and looked at me.
Every time I enter the house, I prepare myself for what I might find. There is a reason for my concern, as her health is an issue at the moment. I tell you this so you don’t think I am merely being morbid and creepifying for no good reason. She has two brain aneurysms, and could go at any time.
On January 12th, she goes in for surgery. As the date approaches, I find I am more and more afraid. I do not walk around head hung low feeling mopey and tragic. I have learned to accept that I have no control, and what will be will be. But, still… It’s my mom. I love her. I don’t want anything to happen.I want her around for a good long time. To see Jakob drive and graduate. To see his children. To bug the shit out of me for years to come.
There was more on my mind than just these things last night, but we’ll save that particular tale for another time.
I’m exhausted, and now I am a little sad. Next to no sleep and a highly emotional day will do that to you, I guess.
My birthday rocked, by the way.
Now to tie this all up with my opening quote: I find, at this point in my life, I am surrounded by people who do not use words lightly. They say what they mean, or they do not say anything. Their integrity is in tact, and their purpose is pure. So, when something is communicated – it is meant.
That is a gift I felt the need to recognize. I am grateful to have that in my life. It keeps me in check, and encourages me to be the same. To always be exactly who I am.
Okay, I am gonna stop. I am writing this while half asleep and can;t even think of anything really clever or meaningful or worthwhile. It all feels rehashed, at this point. All I wanted to communicate, ultimately, is… I’m scared. I am worried about my mom, and I feel helpless and strong at the same time.
Tomorrow is the last day of 2011. What will you do? Speaking for myself, I hope I’ll sleep.