2012 – Day 1, 11:52 PM
Can’t sleep. Very tired. Can’t sleep.
Napped for about half an hour this evening. Woke up with little Maggie at the foot of my bed, curled up next to my feet. She wasn’t there when I fell asleep. I felt instantly happy.
Today was interesting. I felt like I wanted to distance myself from everything for a bit. I can’t explain why, but I did. Forced myself to be social. Spent time with Jakob and mom. Went to a friends New Years Day/housewarming party. It was all very nice. (was complemented on my chicken \m/) But, still, emotionally – I felt distant. I was in my head.
One of the things that amazes me about human interaction is; when you meet someone and immediately feel as though they are an old friend. I love when that happens. I especially love people who have such huge and open hearts. How they feel about you shows all over their faces, and you can’t help but be affected. I know its popular to say “people suck”. And, yes, they do. But, people rule too. And, maybe if we honored and cherished the ones who don’t suck more often than the ones who do – the world would be a different place. Just my two cents.
So, it’s January first. Mom goes in for surgery in eleven days. Tonight, she admitted feeling pressure in her head and feeling worried. All I could do was listen, urge her to call the doctor tomorrow and pet Maggie. I don’t know what else to do.
I was denied state disability, by the way. So, tomorrow I am calling a lawyer.
I am certain my inability to sleep is coming from the trouble in mind I am feeling. But, even in the midst of that. Even though I admit, wholeheartedly, that I am scared and stressed. I am also experiencing an incredible calm. Acceptance. This is the reality of my situation. I have no other option but to acknowledge it. To look at it and behave like a warrior. Fear. Despair. Anger. All those negative things cannot serve me. If I am to advance through the fire and stand tall at the end, I must be pure in mind and heart.I must acknowledge what may lie ahead and prepare myself to weather the storm.
Ha! This from the man blogging at 12:06 in the morning because he cannot sleep. Nice.
I guess, the thing is; at this time in my life, I cannot help but feel happy despite all the things that are available to make me feel otherwise. Even in the midst of what is clearly stress, I feel a strange sense of peace. That is really fricken awesome to be able to say.