“You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.”
– Johnny Depp
I admitted out loud to a friend the other day that I am not interested in romance at this time. He was pointing around to a party full of women and commented, “Don’t you think we should all have to wear what our preference is? That way, you know if you’re wasting your time with a beautiful lesbian.” I was taken aback by this comment because I didn’t know if he was joking or not. So, at first, I sarcastically responded, “No. I like the thrill of the hunt.” But immediately followed it up with, “Honestly, I couldn’t care less.” This led us into a brief discussion on the desire for relationships and the complete avoidance of sex.
I must interject something, or I fear you will not believe a word I am about to say. I am not down on love. Do not look at relationships as a terrible thing. I am not a cynic or a naysayer. I love “love” and the idea of it. I am an absolute romantic. Even my exes who are not speaking to me will tell you that – I think. I’m a frickin’ songwriter – it’s in my blood to feel romance. And, yes, sex feels good.
My point is; I am not in a place in my life where I can even entertain the notion, let alone pursue the reality. I have so much to figure out about my life, it’s not even funny. Most important, figuring out this whole dad thing. Believe me when I say; being a parent is a constant learning experience. You never know what you’re getting right or wrong. You just love them the best you can and hope that there is always communication.
Which brings me full circle to relationships. That philosophy is the exact same one I hold for every relationship. “You just love them the best you can and hope that there is always communication.” Breakdown in communication, especially in who I am and what I want, has always been the block for me. In an attempt to maintain the honeymoon image, I haven’t always been honest. Until I am certain I will never find myself there again, I have no business in a relationship.
Another interjection, if I may: I honestly have no idea what I am talking about. You need to know that. I am just sitting here writing this all as it comes to me. I haven’t found any profound answers or universal truths. I am just moving forward and figuring it out as I go along. I am in a great mood right now. In an hour, that may change – but I’ll deal with that in an hour. You see what I am saying? I have no idea about anything, ever. I can only be true to who I am in each and every moment that I am alive. What I am saying may not speak to you. Fair enough. For me, it is pure. And “pure” I can trust. So, don’t be upset with me for my blog entries. It’s all just moments in time that ultimately weigh nothing. The strange lonely thoughts of an old goateed fat-man.
Do I hope to be in love one day? Yes. Very much so. I have all sorts of romantic ides of my lady on my arm, or smiling at one another across a crowded room. Of laying on my back looking up into her eyes as she lays beside be, head resting on her arm and laughing. Surprises and moments. Dealing with any and all situations, together. Do I NEED that? No. I don’t. In truth, I have relationships all around me. People I really do love, who offer me camaraderie and support. The only thing missing is physical intimacy, and that is easy enough to deal without. While kissing someone sure is swell, sex has honestly only ever resulted in one good thing in my life – my son. All the rest has ended in heartbreak, betrayal, self-destruction, tears, anger, jealousy, hatred, emptiness, longing, frustration, and on and on. So, I’m good. Thanks.
The thing that has happened internally for me is the inability to talk myself into things I know I shouldn’t do. Those flirty moments with a pretty girl you know you could turn into more. I can’t do it any more. I have grown allergic to the “heat of the moment” situations – and, not soon enough. My friend Josh, who truly is nuts, thinks I am nuts. We’ve had lengthy discussions about this very topic. From the pure raw animal aspects, to the higher function philosophy. I’m not being dramatic when I say Josh is nuts. He really is. He’s a writer and a genius – so it sort of comes with the package. Mostly I love his brand of crazy, but sometimes… man. So, I am absolutely thrilled beyond words when he thinks I am crazy. On this topic, he thinks I am from another universe. While he understands the foundation of my thinking, he can’t imagine how I could actually choose to live it. I feel the same way about much of his life, so – we’re even.
A few weeks back I made a joke to a beautiful woman, “I think I have lost the flirt gene.” It’s just so uninteresting and awkward for me these days. Unless it’s a dear friend who really knows me – man or woman – I just opt out. I’d rather do a puzzle.
I decided about midway through 2011 that I wanted to go old school with romance. Slowly get to know her. Build a solid foundation in friendship before anything else is even remotely possible. It is best summed up in a quote posted recently by my friend Jill:
“If shes amazing, she wont be easy. If shes easy, she wont be amazing. If shes worth it, you wont give up. If you give up, you’re not worthy.” – Morgan McMichaels
I totally agree.