Okay, I have had the most vivid and bizarre dreams lately. So vivid, I am able to remember them (for the most part) upon waking up.
Last nights/this mornings was really strange.
Before I get into the dream, let me ask; have you even had a dream that was so real you developed emotions during the dream? Then, you wake up and are faced with the reality that everything you just felt – actually felt – was not real. I have always attempted to see those moments as a profound and tragic Buddhist lesson. Attachments are illusions. It doesn’t help, though.
The one and only thing I remember from last nights dream was Amy Poehler. We were walking down a brightly lit hallway together, obviously in a studio somewhere. She stopped me and told me that before she married Will Arnet she wanted to be kissed one last time. At this point she become a mixture of Amy Poehler and my friend H.A. (Protecting the innocent – they look a little alike) Right there in the hallway we kissed. It was soft and sweet. Not a full on make-out. Just a kiss. She pulled away and softly said, “Perfect.” Then she turned and walked away. I wanted to run after her and say, “Hey. Wait. Let’s talk about this. That was beautiful. We could have something.” You know? All those selfish “I want to posses this because it feels good” thoughts? But, I didn’t. I knew she loved Will, and I knew I needed to appreciate that single moment and not try to make it last – but, cherish it for the time it existed.
I took that lesson with me today. Spent a lot of time thinking about my ex, and how I still miss her every single day. How I wish I could travel in time and change things. (Inspired a new novel idea) And, how I have slowly but surely come to terms with her feelings and how I cannot and do not blame her at all. I understand, and would probably feel the same if the roles were reversed. I need to cherish her and the memories of us for the wonderful time we shared, and accept that everything is and always will be different now.
Out of a selfish desire to get what I want, that is a difficult concept to embrace. I do not want to give up. There is still that part of me that clings to the belief that it can all be good once again. However, the grown up part of me that knows life is a series of moments and this is the moment I am living now has found a peace in letting go. A peace in smiling at the memories, and looking forward o the unknown.
I have spent so much time in my head I don’t really know how to get out of it. Since I have become even more isolated than ever before, it happens even more so. The difficulty is knowing the difference between the perception and the reality when it comes to over-thinking. I have never really been very good at that. I have decided to stop apologizing for that, though. I can only write or say what I think and feel. If I am wrong, then hopefully someone loves me enough to steer me in the right direction. It’s rare that anyone does, but a few brave the rapids to lend me a hand and help me to get back on the path.
Thank you for that.
So, today’s lesson? Cherish the moment, then let it go. Like everything in life, it lived and is gone. Remember it with love and fondness and be grateful you had it, but always leave yourself open to the next adventure.
Have a great weekend.