One of the things I have learned about “life lessons” is that they come when they come. You cannot prepare for them, or even know when to expect them. They happen, you respond. No way around it.
Well, I just got tossed a life lesson. One I wasn’t totally prepared for, and one I am not sure whether I handled well or not. All I know is I am shaken. I feel physically ill and my body is freezing even though my surroundings are warm. In other words; this is new.
To start; I was disappointed tonight. Something I was really looking forward to fell through and there was nothing I could do about it. I immediately tried to focus on the Dalai Lama, and do what he would do. Shrug his shoulders and move on. But, my past beat me to the punch. The selfish brat that resided within, who is hurt by rejection. Struggling with myself I typed and deleted. typed and deleted. Made decision after decision, and all based on my disappointment and my want to lash out against not getting what I wanted. I was so angry with myself. I thought I had grown. Changed. Learned.
Then, I realized, I hadn’t sent any of the messages. I hadn’t posted any of the things I wanted to. I HADN’T reacted the way I used to. I stopped myself and took stock in my emotions and my motivations and made decisions based on what I believed to be right – not what I wanted out of reaction.
I still get scared. I wish that was not true, but it is. I still worry and stress and fear. Always fear. Despite the knowledge that it’s all pointless arguing between my brain and my heart, it’s not always clear who to listen to. So, I have decided to stop listening to either – and to start listening to my gut. Because I can look back and honestly say; for all the times I have gotten into trouble from either my head or my heart, my gut has never failed me once when I have listened to it. Not once.
So, here’s to you wise gut. Thank you for being the sage I need exactly when I need one.
I’m going to go read.